A COERCED YES IS A NO
As a rule, I do not answer phone calls from numbers that I do not recognise but sometimes I have to, especially if I am expecting a delivery. A couple of months ago I answered a call from a number I did not recognise and it turned out to be a young black woman selling cancer insurance on behalf of an insurance company.
The reason I try to avoid calls from telemarketer is that I have empathy for their predicament. How many times do they have the phone slammed on them or outrightly cursed out for their unsolicited calls? Yet this is their job and in this tough economy I understand their hustle. So I tend to hear them out before declining whatever their sell is.
I listened to her explain the cancer cover and then told her I do not need it as I already have comprehensive health insurance. I thought I was clear. But since that first call she has called me about 4 more times (I answered because she used a different number each time) and on the fourth time I reluctantly agreed to receive the insurance documents to review, and foolishly second guess and undermine my own initial response declining the cover. I am not sure if the progression of this relationship is a result of my weakness, or her skilled selling powers or something more sinister- her coercive powers.
How many times do we tell people NO, and that is interpreted as misguided, misinformed or unwise? Instead of our responses inviting acceptance they invite a second pitch because we could not possibly know what we want and that with convincing we will change our minds.
There are many instances in our work lives and personal lives where our decisions are disbelieved, ignored and disrespected. Because of the culture of persistence and perseverance that we live in, the response to a NO is to push harder until it is a yes. We are told that brutish persistence is what makes some people successful and others not – enforcing the outcome and realities we desire.
I remember watching my male colleagues at my previous job operate. I marveled at them bulldozing their way into meetings, man spreading themselves arrogantly in their seats and maneuvering the meeting exactly to the outcome they had envisioned. I watched them solicit a reluctant yes from their subordinates and colleagues. At some point I thought this is the posture I would have to embody to be taken seriously as a lawyer.
Coercive power is dangerous precisely because it relies on its victim’s agreement. This agreement serves as a cover for the perpetrator – it is what they use as their defence to accusations of wrongdoing. But those who coerce overlook the fear or reluctance with which the yes is given. To them the only thing that matters is that you eventually gave in- you bent to their will and their dominance with no consideration of the harm and fear or fatigue they provoke. Being pressured, exhausted or pushed into a yes is harassment and a violation. A yes invoked by fear or fatigue is not a yes.
The most dangerous consequence of coercion is that it can make us disbelieve what we want for our own lives. The telemarketer’s persistence almost made me believe that I need insurance cover when I do not. It is a form of gaslighting when your reality is ignored and another’s will is enforced. So the next time you say NO, trust your NO and be loyal to yourself. The next time you are tempted to coerce another- do not. Rather embody the spirit of collaboration and cooperation than coercion, even if it means cooperating with another’s rejection.
